sat-june 13,2020

hiii!!! ive tried to start a diary like three times in elementary school, but they didnt last very long at all lol...i dont think this is going to be a diary exclusively, like a recount of my day sort of thing. maybe more like a disjointed collection of random thoughts stamped with dates. and maybe a recount of my day, if i feel like it...anyway. yesterday was alright. i went outside and messed around w/ my brothers and my cousin. thats probably pretty mundane to you guys, but i haven't gone outside much lately, and when i do i just sit on the deck and pet the cats. i like going outside, but i always imagine catching coronavirus, or somebody shooting me (plausible: everybody in my county hunts, and my neighbors dont like us), or getting that mosquito thing thats popped up recently...yes, im kind of paranoid. better scared than dead, i think.

everything alive is scared of dying. real profound, i know. its an obvious conclusion to make when looking at the phylogeny of different organisms. thats what makes suicide so tragic to me. being so hopeless, so self-hating, so sad that it overwhelms your fear of dying...isnt that horrible? i think so, at least. sometimes i wish i could be friends with all the lonely people. i dont want anyone to be that sad anymore.

i want to talk about happier things for now... i realise that was probably a little jarring, maybe. anyway. i got my first comment on this page!!! thank you very much winnie, youre nice as well. also, ranfren followed me back!! i luv their work, but i wonder why....i need to follow more webpages on here, i think. theres a lot of good ones with interesting people behind them. you know, the most interesting part of a webpage, to me, is the diary/about section. i luv learning abt the ppl behind stuff i like...its so easy to dehumanise ppl when theyre not in front of you. you think thats why its so easy to be drawn into white supremicist/homophobic propaganda over the internet? especially with how easily you can mold your experience on here...what do they call it..."echochamber". i guess if youre not looking to have debates or anything like that its probably fine not to follow or look out for ppl/talking points on the "other side", but if you dont want to be misinformed it might be a good idea to seek some out...idk, polotics is so tiring. everybody's always lying to eachother or being rude for no reason...sometimes its justified though. like if someone's whole existence is being threatened or ssomething like that, i guess. i dont know.

in other news. i passed all my classes! i was so sure that i was gonna get held back this year. but no, im a junior the skin of my teeth. i got so many D's... in middle and elementary school i was like an honors student and stuff. but i kind of suck right now, academically. and thats REALLY gonna suck when i try to get into a medical school. im going to this career center thing. id tell you the name but i think youd probably be able to track me down or something. im doing medical assisting there...its so cool to me that i can prepare for my career while still in high school. they had graphics communications there too, which is more art-oriented,but i dont think im all that interested in graphic design, if you couldnt tell my the cluttered philosophy of my website. i think learning anatomy and all that could be good for my art and writing...knowing how much trauma the body could take in a fight or something like that...knowing how bones, muscle, and fat all slot together...its so cool. what drew me into to the medical field was the prospect of helping others w/out the violence or corrupion of the police force. i considered becoming a therapist/psychologist for a little while, because that also interests me, but im not good at talking to ppl at all, so.... i know that you have to have some ppl skills as a medical practitioner, but that isnt rlly the central focus of the job... patients dying under my care is smth that will be rlly upsetting for me... ive heard that you have to dissociate yourself from the situation to prevent having a breakdown or something or other...i wonder if i could do that
well....this is way longer than i expected it to be. ill come back later or tomorrow to add even more. goodbye for now! have a good day, ily

these bitchez forgotted to announce pathologic two bachelor route....r.i.p patho a hello neighbor stan now ig

sun - june 14,2020

i feel like ive got a lot to do today -_-....

i think im going to focus on the art page for now. i have to email a BUNCH of pictures to myself...ive tried uploading them to onedrive, doing that "your phone companion" app thingy, and hooking up my phone directly to my laptop to little avail...stick to what works, ig. i want to figure out how to "frame" each image in a little wooden picture frame. im thinking i could target images and set the background-image as a frame? initially, the navigation on the welcome page of this website was two sidebars with windows, and when you hovered over them the window would "open" and show you what it would link to...i wonder if i could find that javascript again and remove the hover aspect of it? it would be easier to look up how to put images over eachother, now that i think about it...or just figure it out in css...

well, i put the entire medibang file into a zip file. i cant email it to myself because the file is too large, ig, but ill figure it out

i did it!! and i found out about the border-image property...thank you w(three), you are an angel. now i just have to extract all the images from the zip...i hope nothing goes wrong

mon - june 15,2020

so. abt the art page stuff. extraction went fine, as you can see. i thot some files went missing, but i was actually just being a dumby and moved some of the images from the .medibang file to a different one...but it all worked out in the end! now all ive got to do is download my pre-late-2018-ish era to my phone somehow...if i can find it, that is. the majority of it is on amino, which sucks bc images downloaded from amino have godawful quality and an ugly watermark at the bottom. so ill have to screenshot it. its not ideal, but its really the only option ive got since the original files were deleted while we were trying to clean the computer that hosted them. oh well. i also cant get the border-image property to work. regular borders seem to work though! i also made the images smaller. i might make them a little larger later, so it isnt so easy to just skim over stuff. im going to try to attatch captions to the bottom too, with more specific dates other than just the year. i need to style the text a bit more too...

so, tomorrow i want to take a break from the art page, maybe (emphasis on maybe), and instead start on the faves page...or maybe i should start on the resources page? yeah, i think im going to start compiling stuff for resources, seeing as thats the most barren page right now.

you know, im not sure im doing this whole journal thing correctly. not that theres exactly a right way to do a journal, i guess...its mostly, its just me putting my thought process down. "disjointed thoughts" is correct, two-days-past kaylee.

anyway.ive been staying up and waking up later. it sucks. i feel tired all day and i feel like i kind of failed in some way. if i stay up until 1 am, i berate myself, but if i wake up at 1, i brag. isnt that strange?

would it be funny or stupid if i wrote spore fanfiction? there already is some. sometimes what we latch onto is strange. hey, have you ever wondered why fanfiction is looked down upon more than fanart? like, i drew a ridiculous amount of fanart. the most productive portion of my artistic lifespan was when i drew moomins fanart every single day for half a year. but id sooner admit that then say i uh. well i actually started writing. recently. you know? but yeah. im thinking that its because writing a much bigger investment in terms of time and thinking of plot, word choice, characterisation and all that. not that im valuing one art form over another, necessarily. that, and fanfiction has been associated with teenage girls, while fanart is, largely, androgynous. although, androgyny itself seems to be ambiguously masculine...

i think ive figured it out a little. waking early has a connotation of being productive, while staying up late, unless under the explicit pretense of productivity, is the opposite. im a little tired. so maybe this is actually stupidly obvious and i just wasnt privvy to

there is a large tonal dissonance between how i speak here most of the time/in other areas and how i speak on twitter/tumblr tags/instagram and even real life to an extant. which is genuine? i keep having these kinds of crises...they suck. i have no idea how to present myself and seem to flip at a moments notice. like, i have a random aversion to swearing here...what??? maybe this website is more kind of....close, accurate, maybe ummm..true? to my irl self, and i feel more conscious of cursing, bc i dont do it all irl...idk, its just so odd. does this mean im fake? i hope not. im not exactly sure what fake means. but i think its when someone puts on a persona, i think...something like that. for the sake of positive attention.

YOU GOT A NEW DOG DO YOU REMEMBER ME!! SHE WALKS AROUND ON MY OLD LEGS!!! i luv this song...its catchy. it never really comes to mind when i think abt what my fave song is. but it gets me pumped. music is such a fun medium. there are so many ways to express yourself...i wish it werent so stifled by capitilism. its really pretentious of me, but i avoid listening to stuff thats popular...not intentionally! most of how i find music is throught the radio function on spotify, and lately youtube reccomendations. im sure id probably like more mainstream stuff if i listened to it. i dont really see any reason too, though... ive got almost 1000 songs liked on spotify. thats just nuts to me.

i forgot what else i was going to say just now, sorry. good night, sweet dreams

tues - june 16,2020

i added some links to the resources page. i want to put some blm stuff up there put it on the welcome page but i dont really think ppl will click on anything if its on there. i also removed some stuff from my abt page to make it a little slimmer.

learning abt the stephan mcdaniel case...its horrible that ms.giddings got murdered, and i feel for her please forgive me for being insensitive, but stephan's interregation was just hilarious. stephan himself was just so creepy...but the detectives. oh, the detectives.

tues - june 23,2020

hiii, it's been a while....well, its only been five days, but it felt like forever to me...

im not entirely sure what to do, i haven't been all that inspired lately. i haven't really felt like drawing or anything like that. i rearranged my room and cleaned it. im not all the way finished yet bc my cousin came over for this week, so ill have to wait until this sunday to finish...

i just got an idea of what i have to do!! brb

thurs - june 25,2020

ok, so this wont be popular since my sitte is already SUPER cluttered and busy, but im working on creating a kind of frame thingy around my a sidebar but on every side of the site. also, instead of the "back" link on every page that isnt the welcome page, i decided to put back and forward buttons at the top of the page. i feel like this might be a really weird choice but oh well. heres a demo:

i need to somehow center the stuff at the top (margin and padding are not working at the moment) and maybe his the awful looking corners...and i want to design a kind of logo thingy in place of the header...... idk....ill make it work somehow

hey! thank you all for your comments, i didnt even see them until today, wow!! it won't let me reply, unfortunately. ty em ^^ thats very kind of you. hi dillen :). hi ying!! tysm! ty 9, its got a long way to go still, lol.